Hello my dears… I pray this sharing finds you well.
My family is sleeping, the girls in their tent in our bedroom and Rob in our bed nearby. I cant go to sleep yet. I’m too worked up. There is an agitation in my body. It’s a nameless anger. Im not really sure why? When I listen to it I understand it is an ancient anger, an anger long carried in my ancestors lineage, that generation by generation has been passed along to the next and the next. It belongs to no one yet all of us. I pray it ends with me.
I suppose right now at this time it has arisen to return to its rightful home. It is coursing through my veins. If I was to get intimate with it, roll in it, ferment in it, who knows what might happen. I understand it isn’t asking for this. I also clearly understand that I must not turn from it either. For me to live and for this anger to find it’s way to peace, to return to oneness once again, it must be listened too, respected, acknowledged and at the same time given safe healthy boundaries of how it is welcome to allow itself to be known.
Sometimes when life asks me to step up my service to the world, old pockets of life also rise to be seen. Places where I am playing roles that not longer fit, roles that don’t serve me or the other humans involved. I guess now is one of those times.
When I was younger I honestly believed that anyone who truly served life and greatly benefited others had a picture perfect upbringing, deep loving connections with their family of origin (mother, father, siblings etc) and had their life fully sorted. You know the Disney movies kind of sorted! (Please be kind to me, I am prone to idealism).
Now in my 38th year I know this isn’t true, that while it may be possible, I am still yet to meet a human who truly embodies this Disney kind of reality. You see life is messy. Relationships are hard work. None of us have had the perfect conditions to grow yet each of us must do our best to keep blossoming where we are planted.
I am deeply thankful to my parents, both my biological parents and my dad who raised me. They have each offered as much love, generosity and support as they could. I honour and value all they have given yet I can never repay them in the same way. My role is different, I am their child. What I can do is pay it forward to my children and the world.
It sometime surprises me that I have my own family now, for a long time I don’t think i was fully here for my children, I was still immersed in my family of origin. Just as I witnessed my parents dancing with patterns from their families and stepping away from their childhood roles, I realise I am being asked to do the same.
It can never be the way it was when I was younger, life keeps moving on whether we want it to or not.
My relationship with my family of origin certainly isn’t perfect. The sobering reality is that I can not give them what they want and this is hard for everyone.
I understand now that if my love could have saved them from hardships or suffering it would have happened long ago. Maybe it was simply never my job to make it right for them? Each of us suffers and no one can ever know the truth of how or why. We each have an inner world so vast no other human could ever grasp it completely, it was ignorant of me to imagine I could be the one to save any of them. Regardless of how each of our lives look, I acknowledge we are all doing our best in this big beautiful messy dance.
I often say kindness looks many ways. Kindness can be counter intuitive. Being kind isn’t always saying yes, sometimes the most compassionate response is a clear discerning no.
The truth is my love for my family has not changed, however my boundaries have.
I am a grown up now. I have my own family. And while I honour my past none of us can live our lives backwards. We can only serve and support life here and now. People get to choose whether they want what we can offer. We also must listen and discern whether we can offer what they are asking for.
Finally I have given myself permission to be happy and enjoy today, with or without my families blessing.
You see I am allowed to be happy even if they are not. Not from a heartless inconsiderate place, rather a place of acknowledging we are all so intimately connected and woven together whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. We belong to each other whether we believe it or not.
The truth of life asks each of us to step into the kind of brave that may even be required to love from a distance for a chapter, maybe even a lifetime.
With this space my courage continues to grow. My trust in all the seasons a constant companion in my aloneness. I am filled with a deep sense of wonder for this peculiar curious life.
In my ever growing garden of gratitude there are more than enough flowers to share with everyone, however they may not be the flowers you are wanting?!
So even if you don’t want what I am offering I encourage you to value yourself, care deeply for your own precious heart, show up for yourself in the ways you long for life to care for you and maybe even create some boundaries.
Autumn is settling in and I am cold, sleep is closer now. I have written my way back to peace as I so often do. Thank goodness for this way to honour all the colours that I am. Writing is my forever friend until i no longer can.
Before I go please know I honour my family and all of your families too. They have given all they can and each of us are grownups now. I pray that all beings on this planet find a way to health, peace, happiness and purpose in this life… And as we are in the grownup business of asking for the things we would like, may I also request some lavish joy and celebration for all of us too.
Sleep sweet if you are on my side of the earth, enjoy your day if you are floating in sunshine.
All love and gratitude for the richness of this life, KMF
xo